Some Unoriginal Thoughts on Motherhood

The fragile morning nap is surely nearing its end. I feel the familiar anxiety of imminent interruption, any creak or errant dog bark could abruptly and unceremoniously make one of these very words my last until the next stint of quiet that isn’t crowded by to-dos and errands and laundry…

Infant-time-bomb aside, I’m not sure this introspection ritual is giving me the same satisfaction it once did. Throughout my 20’s I would almost daily spend an hour or so journaling to untangle my thoughts and feelings. I would painstakingly find the right words and images to express whatever was nagging at me, and then, over an overpriced and over-engineered cocktail, I would regale my girlfriends of that day’s travails, and claim the prize of their understanding nods and appreciative laughs. I’d think to myself, “Ah, it was all worth it for this moment of clarity on my unique existence.” I didn’t realize how much it meant to me to be seen, to furnish meaning out of mundanity. It was, in some way, my proof of selfhood. 

I’m not sure if it is my personality or a product of the times we live in, but I want everything to be unique and new and special. Motherhood is not that. Now, in the rare moments when I’m rested enough to recall any specificity about the day, I can’t help but feel like it’s not only not worth saying, but that even grasping for a clever or insightful way to say it only comes out as a trope or a cliché. The romanticism of my 20s isn’t working to dress up the realities of motherhood. Being a mom and the active work of mothering just is—and that’s really all there is to say about it. It is not unique, it is not romantic, it is not a new story—and at least for me, it feels cheapened by any attempt to make it so.

Motherhood is teaching me simplicity, humility, and peace. All of which can only be found in the acceptance of its essential lack of uniqueness, paradoxically, the very source of its meaning:

And Mary said, 

“My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord,

my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,

for he has looked with favor on his lowly servant.

From this day all generations will call me blessed:

the Almighty has done great things for me,

and holy is his Name.

He has mercy on those who fear him 

in every generation.

He has shown the strength of his arm,

he has scattered the proud in their conceit.

He has cast down the mighty from their thrones,

and has lifted up the lowly.

He has filled the hungry with good things,

and the rich he has sent away empty.

He has come to the help of his servant Israel

for he has remembered his promise of mercy,

the promise he made to our fathers,

to Abraham and his children forever.

Glory to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit,

as it was in the beginning, is now, and will be forever. Amen.”

Luke 1:46-55, Mary’s Song of Praise: The Magnificat